THE ROAD TO “I DO”
In 1985, Newsweek wrote that “a woman over 40 has a better chance of getting killed by a terrorist attack than getting married.” And that was before 9/11.
What a line of panic-inducing, misogynistic boloney.
I met Devin when I was already 45. After looking for my soul mate for roughly 40 years. (I was an early starter.)
So for any mid life woman who is feeling discouraged, here’s something you won’t read in Newsweek: I never dated a better assortment of high quality, emotionally mature, relationship-oriented men than the men I met in my mid 40’s. Some were in their 30’s. Some were in their 50’s. Devin is my age. We women have more confidence and make better choices in midlife.
Devin was the BEST of a bunch of good men I was dating back in 2012. I just knew that I liked him best, and I wasn’t interested in seeing if someone else could measure up to him, so I let the others go.
And I wanted to have sex with Devin. So it was time to get monogamous. (Devin and I have different stories about when all that happened. I say 6 weeks and 11 dates, and I’m sticking to my story.)
As time went on I observed him with his daughter, with his mother, with his friends, with his not-friends… and that’s how I learned what a good, kind, trustworthy and loving man he is. And he’s totally wonderful to me, and my heart skips a beat when I look into his blue-green eyes.
THE PATH TO DEVIN WAS BUMPY
I have a confession: I was just about the world’s worst dater. Especially on-line dating. 50% of my first dates stood me up on the first date. After they pursued me! Argh! And the guys I naturally attracted off-line were married or in relationships. Double argh! I won’t touch a cheater. No f’ing way.
In short, I might as well have been living in a magic man-repulsing bubble from 29-44, with occasional excursions outside the bubble for short term flings without a future. (I mean really–who could have predicted it wouldn’t work out with the Mormon puppeteer?) It wasn’t that I didn’t attract men. I just didn’t attract the right men.
There’s something oddly safe about dating men who have obvious expiration dates built into their characters. It’s easier to get less invested. It occurred to me, more than once, that I was meeting the wrong guys so that I’d be free and available when “my guy” finally showed up.
But I found the whole process so demoralizing and exhausting that eventually I decided to take a break from dating. For about 4 years I just read romance novels and spoke to my cats. Yes, I was THAT girl.
During those discouraging years I took tons of self-help classes, relationship classes, wrote lists, did rituals, and I interviewed all the people I knew who were in happy, very long term relationships. What was their secret?
I expected techniques and strategies. EVERY single person I asked said exactly the same thing: “I chose the right person.”
Wow. That message was clear.
THEN SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENED
I fell in with a new crowd. I was socially adopted by all the big dating and relationship coaches of Southern California. (I’m a coach myself.) I inadvertently became part of the “clique.”
I started soaking up their tips and advice for manifesting my man, and I reluctantly ventured back into on line dating. I experienced a 180 degree turnaround:
- One coach taught me how to spot (and toss) the “players.” Instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt (my natural default) I became RUTHLESS at eliminating the wrong guys quickly. I was never stood up again.
- Another coach gave me advice on how to write a profile that would appeal to exactly the kind of man I wanted to attract. (I took his advice, and that profile attracted Devin within a month.)
- I took a class on understanding men, cause honestly, sometimes men are MYSTIFYING to my girl-mind. Learning more about men really highlighted some of the ways I had unknowingly disrespected my partners and sabotaged relationships in the past. Or took things personally that weren’t personal at all.
- When I started liking Devin and feeling all sorts of dormant insecurities wake up, I hired one of my dating coach friends. I brought all my second guessing anxieties to my coach, so that I could be sane again when I saw Devin. I let that go as I grew to trust Devin and the relationship.
I chose the right person.
Advice For Manifesting My Man
- Character is more important than money. I don’t feel we live at a time where it’s appropriate to expect men to rescue us and be the financial grown up in the relationship. If you find that, you’ll pay in other ways. Look for the best man, not the best wallet. That said, choose a partner who is responsible financially, has a purpose to his life, and keeps his commitments.
- Take an honest and fearless look at yourself and what you bring to a relationship. We ALL have qualities that are attractive and repulsive. Make a list of your pluses and minuses. Look at the list with love, but look at it. I think women are just as unrealistic as men in wanting a perfect, unconditionally loving partner who’ll accept all our flaws… but are we capable of loving an imperfect person and all his flaws, too?
- Handle your issues BEFORE you take them out on a stranger. There are a lot of lovely guys who dig a plus size and older woman, but not a lot of great guys who dig a bitter or selfish woman of any shape or size. If you think men are dogs, don’t date them.
- Consult the experts to understand and attract the person you want. I WISH I’d had access to the coaches and consultants I know today! Wow! I would have saved myself decades of heartache. But I needed time to cook, build my career and my life before meeting Devin, and he needed time to become the man he is today. All’s well that ends well.
*** I promise to share my resources–the best coaches and classes I know–on this site. Stay tuned.
Wow! That Devin guy sounds like quite a catch.
Oh he certainly does!
Good thing he became who he did, that Morgana girl is definitely a catch too x
Absolutely, Rosie!!
He totally is!
thanks for the inspiration Morgana, you rock x
You guys are too cute… I’m so happy for you Morgana and so happy that my vision in Bali was a soon to be truth! 😉
That’s right! You called it! (You called him my husband 2 days before he proposed.) 🙂
Thanks for the telepathy, Carmen!
Morgana, I love you! I MUST meet Devin.
Yes, you must! I can’t wait to introduce you two, Jeanna. <3
Waiting 😉
I used to go through guys like potato chips. My MO was to immediately start identifying why the new guy I was dating was NOT The One, because that would take the pressure off and we could just hang out and enjoy each others’ company.
When I met the man who would become my husband, I couldn’t figure out why he wasn’t The One, and it totally freaked me out. I didn’t know how to deal with it! As it was, we moved in the same circle of friends for SEVEN YEARS before we met each other. In retrospect, we’re incredibly grateful it worked out that way, because if we’d met sooner than we did, our prior lack of maturity would have probably resulted in our killing each other. 😀
So yes: everything in its right time, when the stars align and our inner lives open up to embrace the possibilities in the world, things just work.
Ha! Perfect! 😀
Wow! Thanks for sharing this. By the way, some of your comments hit me hard. In a good hard, enlightening way. I am so happy for both of you. I wish you a forever of joy!
Thank you Sandra!
Devin is the one to be lucky to have a person like Morgana in his life. You know almost a story for a hallmark movie!
🙂
I haven’t had the pleasure of meeting you…yet…but I sure do appreciate your sage wisdom and advice. Thank you.
You’re welcome, Carol!
Why, may I ask, is the emphasis seemingly always on the difficulty women are experiencing in finding the “right one”?
The assumption/implication appears to be that men hold most, if not all, of the cards and are free from the disappointment, frustration, heartache of being and remaining single in what often appears to be a coupled word. WRONG! and WRONG!
Sure, a younger man (it varies with the individual but I’m mostly talking about those younger than, say, 50 or so) has the deck stacked in his favor, esp. if he happens to be good looking, tall, successful, accomplished, financially comfortable, owns his own home, drives a nice car, is handy, or some combination thereof.
But for those of us like myself (67, though pretty fit for my age, short, average looks but increasingly hesitant to look in the mirror or photos, living in a less than fancy one-bedroom apartment, carless, never having made a lot of money in spite of being college educated. Men who fall somewhat into this category are forever hearing about how the odds are so much better at this age and the demographic statistics might bear that out. However, it does not necessarily translate into meeting women, particularly those that are a good match. And it doesn’t get any easier with age. We can get feel very lonely and awfully depressed, too. It is not exclusive to the female gender. Even I in my youth had more than my fair share of opportunities. Unfortunately, for a variety of reasons, I managed to squander every last one and now find myself with few, if any prospects for love and romance. I’ve at the same time been both too picky and not picky enough. And then there’s the issue of physical contact, a normal and natural instinct we all need fulfilled at least to some extent. Had plenty of that back then but lately? Can you believe the Sahara Desert? And I won’t even say for how long that has lasted. It’s bad enough I know. LOL. It’s gotten to the point that I look forward to cuddling in bed with Badger, my rescue kitty. As much as I love him and it feels good to have a warm body next to mine, there simply is no substitute for a curvy, soft human female.
I’d like to think that my qualifies (kindness, compassion, animal lover/vegan, gentleness without being wimpy, generosity, tolerance, good listener, emotionally open and available, humor, just to name a few) are valued but it seems that that’s not enough, what women claim notwithstanding. It’s s common joke among men in all situations and circumstances regarding what women say they are attracted to and seeking as opposed to what they really like. You know what I mean. Leo Durocher, baseball manager in the 50s, is reputed to have said that nice guys finish last. Well, whoever said it, that should be the mantra of men like me. No matter how much I would try or want to be a “bad boy” it just isn’t how I am, though many a time wish I could be a bit more like that.
Anyway, I’ve rambled on long enough. What sayeth thou, ladies?
Hi Ron. I know it’s hard for men, too. I actually know some great dating coaches for men. I promise to include them in the Resources page Devin and I are setting up.
Bless you Ron, you sound like a lovely chap 🙂 Trust me, bad boys might be attractive but they always break hearts so I, for one, am looking for a good guy 🙂
x x x
Thanks, Val. I love the UK and particularly the British accent. One fantasy is to travel throughout the UK. In fact, I always felt a great affinity for Europe in general and thought I might one day marry a woman from there. Still hoping. Got my passport updated and ready to go.
But, I am sure that it wouldn’t hurt if he looks like Colin Ferrell or Sean Connery:)).
For looks I think you can’t beat Johnny Depp but I am careful when asking the Universe for a lookalike as I know the Universe has a sense of humour and would probably send me his Mad Hatter or Sweeney Todd character 🙂
x x x
Hey Ron,
I know you want the lady’s opinions but I am going to jump in anyway. Of course, this is just what I think but I believe there is someone for everyone. For the record, that list you made of desirable qualities in men that women dig. It’s probably true. I am handy but not that handy. Everything else is subject to debate. Truthfully, I am the last person who should be judging my qualities because it is too easy to go down the rabbit hole when I do. It is too easy to judge my insides by someone else’s outsides, which accomplishes nothing. That said, Durocher was right, “Nice guy’s finish last”… in a competition. Nice guy’s do not have to scratch and crawl their way to the top and sulk when they lose because life is not a zero game but a baseball game is. Yes, winning is sexy… for a while. My long-term relationship became sexy when I chose the right person and consistently treated her well. All of us, win some and lose some. Honestly, you sound like a good guy who is need of a pep talk. Sounds like if you want something different you will have to do something different to get. Personally, I had to gamble a little, get outside of my comfort zones — that’s how it worked for me. Best of success.
Who was dating coach who told you how to write your dating online profile?
Maria, was your question addressed to me? If so, I write my own material, thank you very much. And, for the record, I am not a fan of online “dating” (a misnomer, if ever there was one). My preference is to meet people the old-fashioned way. You know, like face-to-face, not through a computer screen. But, then, I am a throwback to another era (the 90s…no, not the 1890s, though I probably would have more in common with those folks) when not everyone was glued to a screen of some kind, obsessed with/addicted to one or more gadgets. My two cents.
Hi Maria. The coach’s name is Adam Gilad. You can check out his program for women here: http://is.gd/1kC23i
Thanks for your comments, Devin.