THE ROAD TO “I DO”
In 1985, Newsweek wrote that “a woman over 40 has a better chance of getting killed by a terrorist attack than getting married.” And that was before 9/11.
What a line of panic-inducing, misogynistic boloney.
I met Devin when I was already 45. After looking for my soul mate for roughly 40 years. (I was an early starter.)
So for any mid life woman who is feeling discouraged, here’s something you won’t read in Newsweek: I never dated a better assortment of high quality, emotionally mature, relationship-oriented men than the men I met in my mid 40’s. Some were in their 30’s. Some were in their 50’s. Devin is my age. We women have more confidence and make better choices in midlife.
Devin was the BEST of a bunch of good men I was dating back in 2012. I just knew that I liked him best, and I wasn’t interested in seeing if someone else could measure up to him, so I let the others go.
And I wanted to have sex with Devin. So it was time to get monogamous. (Devin and I have different stories about when all that happened. I say 6 weeks and 11 dates, and I’m sticking to my story.)
As time went on I observed him with his daughter, with his mother, with his friends, with his not-friends… and that’s how I learned what a good, kind, trustworthy and loving man he is. And he’s totally wonderful to me, and my heart skips a beat when I look into his blue-green eyes.
THE PATH TO DEVIN WAS BUMPY
I have a confession: I was just about the world’s worst dater. Especially on-line dating. 50% of my first dates stood me up on the first date. After they pursued me! Argh! And the guys I naturally attracted off-line were married or in relationships. Double argh! I won’t touch a cheater. No f’ing way.
In short, I might as well have been living in a magic man-repulsing bubble from 29-44, with occasional excursions outside the bubble for short term flings without a future. (I mean really–who could have predicted it wouldn’t work out with the Mormon puppeteer?) It wasn’t that I didn’t attract men. I just didn’t attract the right men.
There’s something oddly safe about dating men who have obvious expiration dates built into their characters. It’s easier to get less invested. It occurred to me, more than once, that I was meeting the wrong guys so that I’d be free and available when “my guy” finally showed up.
But I found the whole process so demoralizing and exhausting that eventually I decided to take a break from dating. For about 4 years I just read romance novels and spoke to my cats. Yes, I was THAT girl.
During those discouraging years I took tons of self-help classes, relationship classes, wrote lists, did rituals, and I interviewed all the people I knew who were in happy, very long term relationships. What was their secret?
I expected techniques and strategies. EVERY single person I asked said exactly the same thing: “I chose the right person.”
Wow. That message was clear.
THEN SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENED
I fell in with a new crowd. I was socially adopted by all the big dating and relationship coaches of Southern California. (I’m a coach myself.) I inadvertently became part of the “clique.”
I started soaking up their tips and advice for manifesting my man, and I reluctantly ventured back into on line dating. I experienced a 180 degree turnaround:
- One coach taught me how to spot (and toss) the “players.” Instead of giving people the benefit of the doubt (my natural default) I became RUTHLESS at eliminating the wrong guys quickly. I was never stood up again.
- Another coach gave me advice on how to write a profile that would appeal to exactly the kind of man I wanted to attract. (I took his advice, and that profile attracted Devin within a month.)
- I took a class on understanding men, cause honestly, sometimes men are MYSTIFYING to my girl-mind. Learning more about men really highlighted some of the ways I had unknowingly disrespected my partners and sabotaged relationships in the past. Or took things personally that weren’t personal at all.
- When I started liking Devin and feeling all sorts of dormant insecurities wake up, I hired one of my dating coach friends. I brought all my second guessing anxieties to my coach, so that I could be sane again when I saw Devin. I let that go as I grew to trust Devin and the relationship.
I chose the right person.
Advice For Manifesting My Man
- Character is more important than money. I don’t feel we live at a time where it’s appropriate to expect men to rescue us and be the financial grown up in the relationship. If you find that, you’ll pay in other ways. Look for the best man, not the best wallet. That said, choose a partner who is responsible financially, has a purpose to his life, and keeps his commitments.
- Take an honest and fearless look at yourself and what you bring to a relationship. We ALL have qualities that are attractive and repulsive. Make a list of your pluses and minuses. Look at the list with love, but look at it. I think women are just as unrealistic as men in wanting a perfect, unconditionally loving partner who’ll accept all our flaws… but are we capable of loving an imperfect person and all his flaws, too?
- Handle your issues BEFORE you take them out on a stranger. There are a lot of lovely guys who dig a plus size and older woman, but not a lot of great guys who dig a bitter or selfish woman of any shape or size. If you think men are dogs, don’t date them.
- Consult the experts to understand and attract the person you want. I WISH I’d had access to the coaches and consultants I know today! Wow! I would have saved myself decades of heartache. But I needed time to cook, build my career and my life before meeting Devin, and he needed time to become the man he is today. All’s well that ends well.
*** I promise to share my resources–the best coaches and classes I know–on this site. Stay tuned.